Over 24 Million

Congratulations, McDonalds! You win! Not only have you served over more than 60 billion hamburgers, you've successfully served up more than 16.8 trillion calories! And yes, we realize we are grossly underestimating your contribution to our collective global weight gain (a not insignificant achievement of 4.8 billion pounds of body fat) given that our calculations are based on the basic 280 calorie burger and not the ubiquitous Big Mac which weighs in at a whopping (no pun intended) 485 calories.

By contrast, while we've served up over 24 million pixies, our caloric contribution is less impressive. While it's true our average GreenTeaHP pixie is right around 7 calories, the calories burned while tearing open our convenient, go-anywhere package, mixing it in a reusable plastic water bottle, and shaking it until mixed to refreshing perfection are right around...7!

And just a preemptive retort to all you math whizzes and fact checkers:

Even if our numbers don't match yours, you surely must admit that even give or take a few billion, we are the undeniable (but gracious) losers in this little calorie counting competition.